I’m just so tired.

Hi. It’s been a while. I haven’t been posting here because of the other blog but today I’ve decided to post here. I just wanna let out some thoughts. I’m not sure I’ll feel better and make better decisions after but I hope for the best. Read down.

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Are you considered lazy when you aren’t motivated to do the things you have to do because you don’t feel like doing them anymore?

Have you ever felt like you don’t want a 9 to 6 job anymore ’cause you’re just tired?

Are you the person who basically just works because he has other people to support?

Have you ever come to a point where in you realize what you once really wanted no longer makes sense because you’ve figured it’s not really the kind of thing you’d want to be doing?

Have you ever quit something just to pursue something else which you’ll have to do on your own?

 

I am totally confused. I’m only 24, have only started working like 2 or 3 yrs ago and I’m already tired. Well, actually after my first job, I already wanted to start my own thing. It’s like I never really wanted to work for other people from the very beginning. I only pursued the jobs I had because society tells me to and because I needed a source of income. Also, I thought having some achievements I can be proud of, having something I can show people that I have skills, getting a trendy job in the country, being an ESL teacher, a call center agent would make me content. It turns out it was all for the money so I could send home and I wasn’t really feeding my soul. Well, perhaps yes at some point I was happy at work, but lately as I’ve been letting myself lost in baking, I realized that the happiness I had when I was working as an ESL teacher or a call center agent was nothing compared to the happiness I felt every time I would make a new creation. It is so priceless that probably not even a high paying job can compare.

I am sure following that tradtional lifestyle — having a job, is the sure way to go in life, but my desire to just start something new on my own hasn’t just occured to me since yesterday. I’ve had it for years so this isn’t just like a rush decision. There’s this city, a small one that I’ve always imagined myself settling down at. I also imagine myself being someone who contributes to the development of this city and every time I go there, I just feel so excited like I can already make that dream happen. So basically my desire to start my own thing doesn’t only stem from my desire to pursue baking, well actually sweets, foods and drinks.

Now the thing is, I don’t have any savings since my money always go to my younger siblings’ studies, my family. I actually found a new job but after being there for 3 nights, I got sick so I wasn’t able to finish the reauired 7 day training so I can continue so I technically lost it. Prior to getting hired again, though, I had been confused as to which job to apply for because I realized night shift is not good for my body as I am already skinny, but for ESL, they either pay really low or they don’t accept undergrads, so baking came into the picture. I got depressed not only because I didn’t want to just get a job just to have one. I wanted to be in a company that compensates well, but there were 2 companies that had rejected me so I somehow slowed down in job hunting. Going back, here I am again, back to zero, but this time I literally don’t want to get a job anymore or work for other people. And I know this is insane because I have 2 college students (younger brothers) whom I’m supporting and they can’t work part-time as there aren’t any opportunities at where they’re at, but this is really what I want. I am already tired of having to go to work everyday, doing something I’m not good at and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be since even confidence doesn’t seem to help.

And I told a friend about this and he just laughed and also asked how are my younger brothers going to continue going to school and I got somehow frustrated. Is this what life all about? Paying your bills, working, and having to support other people? (My younger brothers aren’t other people but you know what I mean.) I am just so tired.

I am so tired of the same routine I want to work at my own pace now. Why can’t everyone support me? Why can’t circumstances let me? Do you know why?


13 thoughts on “I’m just so tired.

  1. I feel you. I’m 25 but I can’t say I’m working/doing at my full potential. I want/need to go abroad just to compensate with life. Im eager but its never enough. My frustrations are killing me. Im physically and emotionally tired. Im looking for inspirations everywhere but my ennvironment hinders me either people or happenings. I do always pray for a better tomorrow. I wish you’ll find your passion. You have a kind heart

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I dont really undersrand what your going through but all i can say is that if you the only person who has to take care of them, then you have no option, everything you do will pay you back in along run, just imagine if you dont help them and you find them on streets begging, would that make you feel any better, just do what you gat to do they will surely see you as a role model

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi. Yes. Thank you. I actually don’t wish I had no siblings to support. I’m glad to have them and also they are quite doing their best at school so I’ve really no problem with financing them. I guess I’m really just tired because I’ve billls piling up here since my siblings are my priority. I wasn’t able to prepare much for their school and myself as well. Also with what I really would love to start now, a personal business that needs money, the pressure’s gotten higher. It makes me depressed because I somehow think I wouldn’t be able to carry out all these. But I should be good. Just gotta be optimistic. 🙂

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      1. Thats right emma because right now am suffering alot because my sister got lost and we cant find her so be glad you have your siblings and take care of them the best way you possibly could, i miss my sister now

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m so sorry to hear that. I can just imagine how much you miss her. I, myself, dont live with my sibs so I understand. I hope wherever she is now, she is okay, safe and sound and I pray you find each other the soonest. Please take care.

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  3. You’re done with the first step, which is to know your passion or something that you really want. The next step now is how to start. Maybe find a work or a part time job so you can earn enough money for your start up.

    The second step actually is not that hard, because what really matter is you know where you are heading. You now have a goal, you have a target. Some of us are like runners in a marathon, but not knowing where the finish line is. But not you, because you already know your passion. I’m optimistic you’ll find a way for that second step. Fighting! ☺

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi yes kuya dati ko pang gusto to, nakakaamaze nga kasi akala ko magchechange yung mind ko . Siguro for now hanap talaga akong work. Wala akong choice eh, may sinusuportahan tas di talaga ako makakaipon if wala akong source of income. Pero luckily, dahil sa post na to, may friend ako na tumulong so siguro makakastart na ako soon ng gusto even sa dorn ko lang, marami kasing boarders sa dorm ko. So gawin ko sya and at the same time magwork ako para makaipon nga. Salamat po sa advice. Akala ko walang makakapansin nito. So I think normal lang suguro na may mga moment akong ganito. Part of adulting esp. na may mga sinusupirtahan ako.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good to hear that na may friend ka nang tutulong sayo. Yeah, for now i-delay mo muna saglit yung tinatarget mo. Ipon ka muna konte, pag may sapat ka nang naitabi, then go for it na.

        Oo, part of adulting yan. Dumadaan talaga tayong lahat sa ganyan. Malalagpasan din natin yan eventually. Laban lang.. ☺

        Liked by 1 person

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