Beyond Incomprehensible

Warning: It’s a bit long. ๐Ÿ˜

When I confirmed I would go backpacking on my comment on this post, I knew I would have to write a blog about it. I knew that somehow, I would have to try, and see what I really could do, or what would happen. So I did go home to my province as planned. I got to learn new things. I was able to get to some of the places I’d wanted to be. However, as much as I would love to make the most of my short visit, I could not, and I could just wish I had been back here already.

To be honest, it seems like my only problems in life are not having a degree, and not being able to support my family financially well, but my life is actually way beyond incomprehensible. It’s complicated and messy. I guess, I’m just good at keeping things to myself, so even the ones who are supposed to know since we are close to each other have no idea why all of a sudden, I changed path.

I was supposed to graduate at the age of 19, in 2014 from my 4 year course, yet in 2012, I unexpectedly got myself involved into something I had never thought of entertaining. At that time, I was turning 18, yet naive and innocent. I initially agreed to an idea in hope that I would be able to gather some information and evidence needed to prove that the person was not acting the way he was expected. I pretended that I felt the same way towards him like he said he did for me. I thought I was I doing the right thing by keeping it all to me, to the both of us, and by not informing the one who had the right to know until I finally gathered all the evidences she needed to see. But before I could, I had fallen into the bait. And before I knew it, I changed. I got like an amnesia because I forgot the people who should always matter to me, I forgot my future, and I forgot God. I became selfish and all I was thinking was us. However, since the kind of thing we had was not the worth-fighting-for kind so it had to stop before we totally lost ourselves, I ended it after I finally took the courage to do so. I knew it the relationship we had) was literally crazy, and evil but then I had left home when the cat had been taken out of the bag. I stayed somewhere in a city in a boarding house, out of school because I quit school and jobless because I couldn’t display myself freely in my public, afraid that the ones who were upset with me might see me, so since I needed him, I couldn’t end it earlier. To keep the long story short, almost everyone from my family (mother’s side) got mad at me esp. my uncle. I made a couple of wrong choices after I ended it, like I got bad karma, had some failed relationships so I stopped engaging myself into relationships 2 yrs ago, and since I quit school for it, it took me a while to get a good job. Life has been tough-er for me but everything is my fault. I just keep going because I think I still deserve a 2nd chance at life and my mom and younger siblings need me. (If you may ask what happened afterwards, he has got a new girl, just 2 months after I ended. How everything started, is something I’d opt to keep to myself as I’m sure it doesn’t matter anymore.)

Going back, I could not make the most of my visit in my province for this very reason. I didn’t pursue my plan to backpack in the southern part of Leyte because I was still scared and reluctant. The tourist spots are kind of far from the city of Baybay, (where I got off because my friend/ dormmate offered to let me stay at their house,) so I decided to just head straight to my hometown but not before I visited a popular university in the area and took a short stroll at the city. I didn’t go for my plan to visit each municipality as well because I already had an idea of what they look like — they look just the same with my hometown’s, and I confirmed it when I was on the van on my way home.

When I got to my hometown, I headed to my mom’s (stepdad’s place) to check on them. I got to see and be with my mom, little sister and stepdad again. But I was worried that uncle (mom’s only brother) might come (because he and mom are okay), see me and hurt me because he was the one who got upset the most for what I did, and since I’m not ready to face him because I really haven’t achieved big things to show him my mistakes don’t hinder me from succeeding in life, I opted to go to my uncle’s place (father side), which is close to our house (my late father’s).

So going home and staying in my hometown are kind of suffocating and depressing. I am anxious all the time and anywhere I go not only for my mom’s brother, but also for some of the people who know me. Some of them have heard of some bad things about me, which I’m sure most are from made up stories. In my mind, everyone thinks of me like a bad person so I’m bothered when I see people who know me get to see me. It’s like I am paranoid for thinking so but anyway, I’m glad my uncle and his wife and also my cousins welcomed me in their home. I stayed there until I left for Baybay as I promised my friend/ dormmate that we’d come back here together.

When I was at uncle’s place, I grabbed the chance to visit our abandoned home and I felt sad that no one is living there and its materials are slowly rotting. I got to spend some time with my cousins esp. one of my bestfriends. I also got the chance to spend some time with my mom, little sister and brother. I took my sister to a mall in Tacloban City and I spent a night at mom’s. I went with my brother and 2 cousins to a resort. I was able to talk another brother about his plans when he enters college next year.

If there’s another thing I did not do, (aside from not staying at mom’s the whole I was there), it is my biggest regret. It’s the thing that I didn’t go to the cemetery on Nov. 1 and 2 and even before I headed back to my friend’s. I got so bothered and anxious I was actually torn between wanting to go there since it was my only chance and just doing it next time. In the end, overthinking defeated me. I really wanted to go there, but I didn’t want to add more things to worry about as if not going there adds less. (I didn’t want the people who live in the brgy. near the cemetery to see me because I’m not sure what they are thinking of and I used to live there. I even became a part of their community until I suddenly left.)ย ๐Ÿ˜ฃ

So basically my mom’s brother (1st on the list) who really hates me, the people (2nd) whose eyes make it hard for me to stroll around freely in my hometown, and also the internet connection which is really slow in our area esp. at our place made me wish I had been back here yet. Nonetheless, I’m ending this post here before this gets really long. If you’ve made it this far, I’m sure you now know me better. I don’t expect you look at me the same if you’ve been following me for a while, but I hope you’ve learned something and you apply in the reality. ‘Till next my next blog! ๐Ÿ˜Š

 

*Particular things I did and photos will be on my next blog. โ˜บ

3 thoughts on “Beyond Incomprehensible

    1. It was a mistake I had never thought I’d be committing yet then it still happened, and it ruined me big time. Thinking about it actually still stresses me out but I have to be strong for those who love me. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

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  1. Shaen Johnston

    What you did is actually quite common for young boys and girls. I know the frenzy a first sexual relationship can send you into as I did the same at 16 yrs of age. And upset my family as we were just recovering from my fathers unexpected death.
    Fortunately, time heals all, as it will for you too. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Other people have no right to judge you harshly nor cast the first stones.
    Be strong and positive, this too will pass….Shaen.

    Liked by 1 person

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