At the moment, I feel like being some place, where I’m sure I’ll be at peace. It is not that I am not at peace at where I am, though because if I were just to talk about freedom and opportunities, this would be one of the best places to be. It’s not too far from my loved ones, and like I always say, it’s better here than in my province. But at this time I really just don’t know what to do. I am confused.
Why? Ing-ani man gud ni. (Ganito kasi yun.)
I know I have to get back to school this 2nd semester which starts in November in most schools and in January in 1 particular school back home. However, I don’t have a fund, and my company just closed down for some reasons. And I might have worked there for a year, but I wasn’t really able to save much because aside from my dorm rent, food and transportation, I also support my younger brother who goes to college.
If I want to go back to school, I’m going to need to have a part-time job, of course, but as of now there are only 2 ESL companies that accept my educational attainment. And this is what I am worried about. What if I don’t get hired by either of these two? I don’t like a call center job and even if I get one, I won’t be able to study and do the job at the same time, because first they don’t accept part-timers, and second, I will kill myself.
So I really need to get a stable part-time job soon that pays good if I am enrolling this November. I am thinking, though, that if I only just didn’t have to go back to school soon, I wouldn’t have to worry about getting a job soon when there is only a few doors open for me. However, looking on the bright side, this new policy of CHED (that undergrads should be enrolled in college before 2018, otherwise they’ll go back to senior high school) will be helpful to me in the long run because it means I’ll be forced to go back and in 2 years I will be finished.
But why can’t I just go back to school and not work? It is because as I have mentioned in one of my previous posts, I want to achieve everything on my own now, and of course not only that. My big brother who sent me to college before is now married with two kids. My mom at home doesn’t have a job. I have a stepfather and he has rice fields but if they make money from it, it’s only enough for them. Sometimes, my mom would even ask me if I have some extra money. We are no well-off, that is why I had to take Bachelor of Education because it is cheap. I also can’t ask my mom to find a job in our province since there isn’t good opportunity. She can probably try direct selling of stuff but people there don’t have job they don’t have money to buy.
So now you must understand where I am coming from. Anyway, if I don’t make it this November, I’ll make sure to in January. Going back to me feeling like being somewhere at the moment, it is because I want to clear my mind and take some time to contemplate while doing something that really makes me happy. To be honest, I have always dreamed of backpacking on my own, or with a friend or friends. And I feel it’s the best time to fulfill such a dream.
For a few days now, I have been bothered I don’t know what to do anymore, although to others what I am going through may just seem easy to handle, like I should just get any job and study at the same time. But how I wish it was that easy. Imagine at the middle of my work, a sibling would just message me to tell me he needs some cash for some school project, or another sibling would call me to ask if I have some extra cash because he has no allowance. That has been my life. Imagine trying to be independent, while being a generous sister or daughter at the same time on a small salary. That is why I am being particular on getting a job because I don’t want to be stuck in a job that is stable yet doesn’t pay enough esp. that I can’t work full-time anymore if I study. This is the kind of thing I barely talk about with the people close to me because it’s kind of stressful to talk about and I’m not sure they can relate, but I express it freely here since through writing, I get to elaborate more what I cannot through speaking.
Anyway, I want to travel, wander, learn new things, see life from a different perspective and just escape reality for a while. I heard that sometimes to find yourself or what you really desire, you have to leave. And where I would just love to go, though, is to my very own province because I have already traveled outside Leyte like to Samar, Manila and of course here to Cebu, but I have never been to the places located in the south of our municipality Dulag. I have never been to the municipalities of Mayorga, Javier, Abuyog, Baybay, and the rest in the southern part when supposedly, they are closer and I don’t have to take a ferry to get there unlike here.
I would love to check what the places look like, what their means of transportation, what establishments they have there, and what they have to offer to their tourists. But, I have a problem, a question rather. Will I do actually do it? Or it will be another addition to my lists of pending plans? Err. Honestly. Ambot lang (I don’t know). I have what ifs that keep me from pursuing it. What if it isn’t safe to travel alone? What if I do not enjoy backpacking alone and I decide to leave in the middle of my journey? What if I don’t make the most of my budget? Ugh. Why does it have to involve money? But more importantly, why don’t I have a boyfriend/ travel buddy? 😂 Kidding aside, a friend / ex- workmate /dormmate who is from Baybay is going home soon. She has been inviting me to go home with her but I have been making excuses like I don’t like the ferry she’s taking because the trip takes 6 hours unlike the ferry I usually take which is faster, only 3 hrs because I get seasick sometimes. Unknown to her, I am planning to try her ferry and explore their part of the world. Also, on Nov 2, it’s “All Souls’ Day” which means my late father, my late big sister, 2 late grandmas and grandpas, will be happy if I visit their grave back home, and my family would be happy to see me. ☺
But.. here is the biggest BUT, I am torn. I am torn between going and staying even when I am actually already bored here because I cannot apply at those 2 companies until later this day, and even if I get hired, I cannot immediately start.
The thought of travelling solo quite scares me. I am truly not ready to go chasing wonders alone (even when it’s close to our home). 😢 Yet I really want to try it. 😱
Anyway, we will see. So, if you’ve made it this far, sorry if it is long and thank you so much for reading and for lending me your ears at times like this when I just want to express my thoughts. Please wish me well in whatever I seek to do. 😄😊😍